The Eternals Review Trash or Watch it

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The Eternals Review

The Eternals SUMMARY

Eternals Review: Give a round of applause to Chloe Zhao for making a horribly bad MCU film, in the unconnected connected film universe. Where Steve Rodgers, Hulk, and Thanos are seen; who are The Eternals? The Eternals are a group of diverse and disabled super-heroes that follow the divine will of their God Aramesh. The Eternal’s purpose is not to interfere with mankind affairs but steer and protect them from Deviants on Earth. From the Caveman era till the present day (after the snap.) The Eternals have watched all the most devastating times in human history but haven’t interfered until now.  

The Eternals being led by weaker heroine’s while the stronger male characters stood in supporting roles makes this fell like a bad fanfiction novel. Like watching a cheesy melodrama show. You can tell the director Chloe Zhao imagined herself as Sersi, a maiden so beautiful and wise. She ends up in a love triangle between Black Knight and Ikaris.

The Eternals Characters/ Roast

Ikaris (Richard Madden) was a Superman stand-in only not as good. Since his name is Madden he thought he had game. “If you will have me I’m yours”. Was all that he needed to be say to dig in Sersi’s cervix. The only MCU movie with a “romantic” bed scene. How he portrayed himself in the end you could see coming a mile away. Slave!

Sersi (Gemma Chan) Secondary Leader of the Eternals and lover extraordinaire. She really had a love triangle going on. Chole Zhao was living through this character for real.

Kingo (Kumail Nanjiani) packed on all that muscle only to have energy blasts from his fingers. Didn’t even display super strength. Just a buff dude with finger guns

Sprite (Lia McHugh) was grown but trapped in a young girls body. She wanted to get older and do adult things. She was thirsty for Ikaris’s man meat.

Side Characters Eternals Review

Thena (Angelina Jolie) is mentality unstable until you realize the method behind her madness. She has been reborn countless times.

Gilgamesh (Don Lee) was a simp that only wanted to protect Thena as she got more crazy.

Ajak (Salma Hayek) Was the Leader only because she could communicate with Aramesh. She wasnt stronger than Ikaris, so deceased.

Druig (Barry Keoghan) controls people and is the love interest to Makkari (I wonder why)

Makkari (Lauren Ridloff) mute and deaf but she can run fast.. Also is a love interest to Druig. The fight amongst them was Michael B. Jordan Fantastic Four bad.

Phastos (Brian Tyree Henry) Brains behind the group, blame him for the bombing of Hiroshima. His marriage made the movie controversial due to it being a Muslim man titled “Phastos Husband” (Haaz Sleiman) More like fat-so, he needs a gym membership.

Villain / Conclusion

The Deviant villain Kro reminds me of a bootleg Perfect Cell x Megatron, those two mashed-up sounds awesome but this movie didn’t execute it well enough. Very forgettable.

In this 2-hour film the Eternals been through a lot of mankind’s history but didn’t mention any of the comic’s lore or have a valid reason why they avoided Thanos. The other characters were either race or gender-swapped from the sausage fest. Sprite, Mekari, Phastos, the rest of the characters weren’t important until something bad happened or a fight broke out. This film is a bad tie-in to Endgame to even mention “the snap” and having an End time catastrophe event in this movie didn’t do it for me. The film shouldn’t have been released as it was. An attempt for a diverse and inclusive super-hero to fail this hard is no excuse.

The Eternals is a 3 out of 10

The Eternals, Sersi, Sprite, Mekari, Phastos, Ikaris, Ajak, Gilgamesh, Kingo, Druig, Thena

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